6 Years...And Counting

Our story is like no other...and every other. We met in college - dated for a little while, then decided to "just be friends." I thought it would go the way most other "friendships" go - slowly fading away into oblivion. But he wouldn't have it. He actually wanted to be friends! I thought it was strange - and it was definitely difficult - but through those college years, that's what we did. Okay, granted, there were a few kisses here and there, but come on!

We talked about getting married in 2000 - how it got to that point, I'm not really sure. Something about this guy who was always there - always a friend, no matter what. But our lives were headed in different directions. Literally. He went to the West Coast, I went to Europe. And it was in those different places that we realized we couldn't live without each other.

We were engaged in Prague and celebrated in Vienna - and I actually know other couples who have cool stories like that! Wedding planning took place across thousands of miles. And with virtually no money to our names. Thank God for loving parents!

Our 2002 wedding was beautiful - at least, that's what everyone told us at the time. We recently watched our video with our Little Man so he'd have an idea of what to do as a Ring Bearer - and I couldn't believe how young we were! Young and unabashedly in love.

We set up house in the biggest apartment our friends had ever seen. With low rent to boot! Then came unpacking and filling the empty rooms. So began the journey of turning two lives into one.

We found jobs and lots of friends. We got two cats when the apartment became home to a family of mice. At church we taught Sunday School and ran a Youth Group. Everything seemed stable and happy and going the way we'd planned.

Then we decided we wanted to live radically. We actually said those words out loud. So of course, they were meant to be challenged. Friends moved away. We took in a teenage foster daughter. We got pregnant. Our landlord decided to sell our house.

So away we went. Leaving family, friends, jobs, support. Baby was 4 months old. I had never seen the house we moved into. But we clung to each other and figured it would all work out.

Two years later, we have baby #2 and a whole new life. I can't believe we're here. But hubby asked the other day "Why does it matter where we are? I just want to be with you." Yeah. He actually said those words. Wicked cheesy. And totally sweet.

See, because no matter what else happens - another move, new job, baby #3 (dear God, no!) - I know that I will have the most amazing man by my side.

So here's to you, my love. Happy Anniversary #6. And even though statistically, American marriages last 7 years - I know this is far from our last happy year together. Because you wouldn't let it happen any other way.

Updates on our Little Man

Updates on our Little Miss

Thoughts from the Dark Side

There are things you're not supposed to share...things you're not supposed to think. But no good confession comes without pain and regret.

I didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want another baby - not right away. I thought it would be okay if something happened to "it" during those early weeks. Later, I honestly wondered if we should just give her up for adoption.

I felt totally out-of-control. I couldn't fathom how it would all work out. I think I had post-partum depression pre-partum. It was awful.

I would tell these things to my husband and cry, knowing how horrible it sounded. No good mom is supposed to think things like that.

3+ weeks in, I can't imagine giving her away. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes. And it's been hard. I still wonder how I'm going to do it. The balancing act of having two little ones boggles my mind. And some people have more!! The funny thing is, I know that someday, I will look back at pictures from this time and wish I could have some of these moments back.

So, "bless me Father, for I have sinned...". I didn't want my little girl. But now I'm so glad she's mine.

How Hard Could It Be?

Our little one has been having a difficult time with nursing. And of course, I'm feeling like a failure all over again. My little guy didn't quite figure out how to latch on until he was almost a week old. This sweet thing latched on right after birth and did wonderfully...in the hospital. Once we got home, she slowed way down, her weight plateaued, and she seemed to have trouble with her latch. I was devastated. After all, this is baby #2 - I should know a few things this time around!

Yesterday we went to a lactation consultant. I left feeling terribly overwhelmed. Loaded with information about food sensitivities, a therapy I couldn't pronounce, and dietary changes, I drove home wondering if I could truly give up dairy. The best part of the visit was learning that our little girl was tongue-tied. Easily-remedied, I was assured.

Today we went to the pediatrician. I left feeling sick to my stomach and wondering if I had just doomed my little girl to a life of speech issues or dental concerns. I was the one holding her tiny head while the doctor snipped the tongue-tie. I almost passed out. Blood I can handle. My not-quite-3-week-old screaming bloody murder, I could not.

So now I'm just shaky. In the long run, I think we made the right choice - but I hate having to be the one to make the choice.

While the poor thing slept, I got Big Brother ready for his nap. As I changed his diaper I realized that it has been a very long time since I worried about every meal he ate (or didn't), every one of his diaper's contents, every funny sound and strange reaction he made. I guess somehow, we all make it through. Moms and kids alike. I guess I just figured it would be easier the second time around. Silly me.

I'm in Love...with a Little Pink Bundle

She'll be two weeks old tomorrow and life around here has definitely changed pace. It's amazing how quickly such a tiny person can settle themselves into your heart and totally change your life. I didn't want to be pregnant - I didn't want a girl. But now she's here and we're absolutely in love.

Unfortunately, there are times when I feel that it's a distracted love. With two little ones underfoot (or, in arms), I'm already feeling spread thin. And Daddy hasn't even gone back to work yet! I miss Munchkin A and wonder if I'll ever be a good Mommy to him again. Munchkin B has us worried about thrush and reflux and sleeping too much (be careful what you wish for!). These early days are long and tiring, and I know it'll get easier with time...but it's hard not to miss what once was. The days I could plan to a T what was going to happen and where we'd go. The days I could put on a shirt and know it would stay relatively clean til I took it off at night. The days I could wear a normal bra! Sometimes life with baby feels like we're living with a ticking time bomb. A cute time bomb, but a bomb nonetheless.

And I'm amazed at how often my pronouns are wrong. I know she's a girl - but in my thoughts, it's he and his and him. Very strange. Classic example - Mommy: Are you okay little one? Sleepy Daddy: Yeah. Mommy: Not you - him!

We obviously have some adjustments to make.

And then there's the cruelest trick of nature. [Be forewarned conservative readers - brazen comments to follow!] I now have, if not my husband's fantasy breasts, at least mine! The ones I could only dream about when I was 13. Heck - when I was 25! And yet - here's the thing, they hurt! Full and sore and cracked (that's the thrush) - I can walk around shirtless, but my poor husband is powerless to react. Not to worry - nursing only lasts a year!

[Back to our regularly scheduled broadcast] So our lives have changed forever, and most of the time, we're extremely thankful. Exhausted, but thankful. She's here, she's healthy, and she's asleep. What more could we ask for?

Anyday Now...?

Well, we're at 40 and 2 - and still waiting.

In an effort to keep this blog alive and well, I'd like to invite you to share your own confessions. Something weighing on your mind? Stresses? A random thought to share? Feel free to do so while Mommy and baby rest and recouperate! And please note, you do not have to be a mom to have a random confession!

We'll keep you posted!

But It's 1:30 in the Morning!

I don't remember if I worried all the time before I became a mom. But once that little one made his presence known, I started worrying like it could somehow make a difference. I hear horrific stories about accidents happening to kids and then it's all I think about for days. I seriously can get myself all choked up just thinking about some crazy situation where we lose him. It's awful. And of course, the worst stories are about when the mom is right there but can't do anything to help or stop it from occurring. How terrible.

For example, with "baby sister" on the way anyday now (please God!), we've put in our second car seat. Big brother got shifted from the middle to the window, and I realized that he could probably open the door by himself with a little bit of effort. So I switched on the child lock in his door so one can only open it from the outside. Not 10 minutes later I'm driving along, realizing - wait! What if we careen off the edge of a cliff into water below and I climb into the back and get him unbuckled but can't open the door from the inside??? How terrible would I feel then?!?!

I know there are no cliffs beside water anywhere near us. It doesn't matter.

True story: last Friday was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner for my brother's wedding. After a long, traffic-filled drive (with baby not napping), we arrive at the church late, hormonal, and exhausted. The rehearsal goes off without a hitch and we go to the restaurant for dinner and a few sappy moments. Finally, it's time to head to the hotel and bed. After awhile of settling in and getting acclimated, it's off to bed for Mommy and baby. Time check: 12:30. Daddy heads downstairs to hang out with not-so-pregnant relatives and promises he'll be back soon.

Next thing I know, I'm hearing something like an alarm clock. Is it in our room? Did the last guests foolishly leave it turned on? Wait - but it sounds like it's coming from the bathroom! Weird. Oh - maybe it's just from another room. But why do they need an alarm set for 1:30 in the morning?? Then I hear the voice. A recording. Something about this being an alarm (no kidding) and waiting for further instructions. Oh - and evacuating the building. Hmm. A joke, I'm sure. Then, it's quiet. Thank God. Oh wait - crap! A new alarm. Telling us to evacuate. And footsteps and slamming doors all up and down the hallway. Now I pause.

Remember back in grade school when they had fire drills? Remember how cool it was to leave the classroom and have a break where you got to go outside and slyly whisper to your friends? Remember how awesome you thought it would be if your school burned down? Even though you knew it would never happen? Fast-forward a few years.

I realize I'm on the 7th floor of a building that could potentially be on fire. I just want to ignore it all and go back to sleep! But here I am, a zillion months pregnant and alone with my toddler. I'm SURE it's nothing. But what if it's not? What if this is the time when it's real and the fire makes its way to my door and then I'm stuck and can't get out and I have to jump out the window with my 2-year-old??? Not okay.

So I throw on some clothes, scoop up my sleeping toddler, and stumble out into the hall. Lights flashing, alarm wailing, down the hallway we go. Halfway down I come to a police officer who's telling us that "it's okay." I don't know what that means, but I turn back towards my room. Here comes my knight in shining armor. He'd basically threatened the security guard in the lobby and bolted past him to get to us (my hero!). Grabbing our little guy, he leads me down 7 flights of stairs and out into the night. People are milling about and we realize it's okay to wait in the lobby. In we go - I'm dangerously close to tears. A few minutes later they announce it's okay to go back up. Someone had been smoking on our non-smoking floor. If I ever meet that moron....

Needless to say, it took us awhile to get settled back in for the night. And I felt stupid. Of course it was nothing! I should've just stayed in bed! But...[sigh]...I'm a mom. And moms don't often get that option.