Joining the Mommy Club

In college, I became a Resident Advisor after seeing the terrible job my own RA did. I just knew I could do better. Thankfully, that's not why I became a mom. My own mother did a great job and I have so much more respect for her now than I ever did growing up. I think the one thing she probably didn't teach me enough about though, was how to handle motherhood.

I didn't know how stupid I'd feel - all the time - during those early months. And I had been a nanny AND a school teacher! But nevertheless, I felt way in over my head. Fast forward two years and I can readily admit motherhood is seldom black and white. I never knew I could worry so much about someone so little. And in the end, what I largely feel, is guilt.

I didn't teach him to go to sleep on his own early enough. I nursed too long (or maybe not long enough?). All those cute baby clothes were the wrong brand for our new town. He isn't involved in enough activities. No, I don't think he's going to go to preschool.

And now baby #2 is on the way and I hate taking prenatal vitamins. The pregnancy journal I've started for her is sorely lacking compared to the first. She still doesn't have a name. And no, we won't tell you what it is when we pick one.

I'd be remiss not to ask the forgiveness of all those mothers out there I judged before I became one. At times you'd seem cold and callous, or overly-protective and strict. Your kids had too many toys, too many clothes, ate crap all the time, were overweight, underweight, mouthy, or undisciplined. You hovered (helicopter mom!) or weren't involved enough, you spoiled them rotten, or let the grandparents do it for you. You only wanted to talk about your kids and never seemed to have anything interesting to say.

So I apologize. Because now I know what it's like. I joined the "mommy club" and realized it can be frustrating, lonely, tiring, and boring. You probably lacked sleep and good food, your house was a mess and you couldn't keep on top of it. You desperately wanted adult conversation but forgot what it was all about.

I know all that now. I'm a mom too. And this is my first confession.