a journey through motherhood
I don't remember if I worried all the time before I became a mom. But once that little one made his presence known, I started worrying like it could somehow make a difference. I hear horrific stories about accidents happening to kids and then it's all I think about for days. I seriously can get myself all choked up just thinking about some crazy situation where we lose him. It's awful. And of course, the worst stories are about when the mom is right there but can't do anything to help or stop it from occurring. How terrible.
For example, with "baby sister" on the way anyday now (please God!), we've put in our second car seat. Big brother got shifted from the middle to the window, and I realized that he could probably open the door by himself with a little bit of effort. So I switched on the child lock in his door so one can only open it from the outside. Not 10 minutes later I'm driving along, realizing - wait! What if we careen off the edge of a cliff into water below and I climb into the back and get him unbuckled but can't open the door from the inside??? How terrible would I feel then?!?!
I know there are no cliffs beside water anywhere near us. It doesn't matter.
True story: last Friday was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner for my brother's wedding. After a long, traffic-filled drive (with baby not napping), we arrive at the church late, hormonal, and exhausted. The rehearsal goes off without a hitch and we go to the restaurant for dinner and a few sappy moments. Finally, it's time to head to the hotel and bed. After awhile of settling in and getting acclimated, it's off to bed for Mommy and baby. Time check: 12:30. Daddy heads downstairs to hang out with not-so-pregnant relatives and promises he'll be back soon.
Next thing I know, I'm hearing something like an alarm clock. Is it in our room? Did the last guests foolishly leave it turned on? Wait - but it sounds like it's coming from the bathroom! Weird. Oh - maybe it's just from another room. But why do they need an alarm set for 1:30 in the morning?? Then I hear the voice. A recording. Something about this being an alarm (no kidding) and waiting for further instructions. Oh - and evacuating the building. Hmm. A joke, I'm sure. Then, it's quiet. Thank God. Oh wait - crap! A new alarm. Telling us to evacuate. And footsteps and slamming doors all up and down the hallway. Now I pause.
Remember back in grade school when they had fire drills? Remember how cool it was to leave the classroom and have a break where you got to go outside and slyly whisper to your friends? Remember how awesome you thought it would be if your school burned down? Even though you knew it would never happen? Fast-forward a few years.
I realize I'm on the 7th floor of a building that could potentially be on fire. I just want to ignore it all and go back to sleep! But here I am, a zillion months pregnant and alone with my toddler. I'm SURE it's nothing. But what if it's not? What if this is the time when it's real and the fire makes its way to my door and then I'm stuck and can't get out and I have to jump out the window with my 2-year-old??? Not okay.
So I throw on some clothes, scoop up my sleeping toddler, and stumble out into the hall. Lights flashing, alarm wailing, down the hallway we go. Halfway down I come to a police officer who's telling us that "it's okay." I don't know what that means, but I turn back towards my room. Here comes my knight in shining armor. He'd basically threatened the security guard in the lobby and bolted past him to get to us (my hero!). Grabbing our little guy, he leads me down 7 flights of stairs and out into the night. People are milling about and we realize it's okay to wait in the lobby. In we go - I'm dangerously close to tears. A few minutes later they announce it's okay to go back up. Someone had been smoking on our non-smoking floor. If I ever meet that moron....
Needless to say, it took us awhile to get settled back in for the night. And I felt stupid. Of course it was nothing! I should've just stayed in bed! But...[sigh]...I'm a mom. And moms don't often get that option.
Marriage. It's so much more than "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...". Marriage is for fatter and thinner, for at peace and at war. When his family frustrates you, when her family aggravates you. Dirty laundry, dirty dishes, dirty shower. When he yells. When she cries. Laughing and playing. Crying and grieving. When he forgets to brush his teeth - when she refuses to clean her hair out of the drain. When the sex is great - when it sucks - when you've forgotten to have sex in awhile. When the money's pouring in...and when it's rolling out.
The marriage commitment stands whether he calls an ex-girlfriend or she flirts with a stranger. Whether babies come too soon, too late, or don't come at all. When you marry, you do it for life - even when it feels more like a life sentence. There's bound to be rain - but also plenty of sun.
You're in it when bodies change and sag and droop. When the hearing goes - and also the hair. The commitment is for when the oven, microwave, refrigerator, washing machine, or car engine needs to be fixed. And it's for when they all happen at the same time. Don't forget morning breath, farting, burping, and childbirth. It's a good thing you've become one!
Marriage is waking up at 3am in bed alone - and getting up to drag your spouse off the couch. It's telling secrets, but keeping them too. And knowing there are lines you never cross.
When the baby screams from one to four and the dog keeps scratching to go out - you'll know it's all real. Because marriage is worth it. And often you'll have to fight for it. Even when you've eaten pasta two weeks in a row! Love is for now...and always.
It's for shouting - in joy and anger. It's for different taste in movies and music. And furniture. It's for giving and receiving and every kiss at the end of the day. It's agreeing with your spouse in front of others to present a unified front. Even when you're sure they're wrong. It's for hospital visits and family vacations. Chocolate chip cookies or spam. When she can't sing and he can't dance. It's holes in your socks and in your alibi. You'll realize you're in it for love and trust and faith. There's security, peace, and gentleness.
But none of that means they won't someday break your heart. Was it hormones or a bad day at work? He said. She said. Sometimes you let them win so there's peace. You apologize when you really don't want to. And then you work on meaning it.
Marriage signifies two lives becoming one. With all their histories and baggage. Stories and wounds. "For richer, for poorer." Every day and every night. Which is great because you know you mean it. Right? You want there to be challenges. Adversity. Pain. Because it'll remind you it's real. And when it's real and someone pinches you - it hurts!
Marriage is often about dishes and laundry. Who's supposed to do them? 'Cuz you're sure it isn't you. And no matter how often you do them - you always have to do them over again. Someone should've recommended registering for a lifetime supply of paper plates and plastic forks!
Marriage will kick your butt. There's so much work involved - and not just housework ('though there's plenty of that). You work at loving the other in the ways they need to be loved. You work at effective communication and how NOT to fight. You work at keeping that romantic feeling alive and at having great patience with this, your best friend. You work at Christmas cards and thank-you cards and you might even wonder why. But your work will be rewarding. The love you see in her eyes, feel in his arms. It's all so worth it.
I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. They had cleaned him up and handed him to me as this little package of fuzz and scrunched-up face. In our family video, I'm holding him with my sisters flanking me on either side. Ready to protect him from anything that might come our way. I couldn't believe it - my very own baby to hold and love and play with and mother. I would be the best big sister ever.
And now my baby brother is getting married! It's a very strange thing. The other night as we got our little one all bundled up out of the bath and into his jammies, I thought "I remember this." I used to do the exact same thing for my brother. At seven I was convinced he was mine. I would carry him to our room and get him in his warm, feety pajamas. I'd read him stories and sing him songs until he fell asleep. I rocked him in the rocking chair and calmed him down whenever I could. My practice-run, if you will.
We both got older and he didn't appreciate my mothering nearly as much. It was intrusive and he certainly didn't need another mommy telling him what to do. I suspect my own little guy will have plenty of moments like that when he's a teen. "Thanks Mom" dripping with sarcasm. Meaning "back off, will ya?!"
As adults we've hit upon a kind of truce. I try (really hard) not to play the mom role, and he seems to accept the big sister thing as somewhat of a necessary evil. We're learning to be friends.
And now he has another woman in his life - someone who will care for him when he's sick, encourage him when he's down, and tell him mythical stories about a key hidden in a cabinet that only he can get for the family. Well, okay - not that last part. That role I got to play. And I'm pretty sure no one will ever take that place.
One of the most common things I hear these days (besides, "Wow! You look ready to pop!"), is "What do you still need for the baby?". In case you too were wondering, here's my list:
1. We could really use a college fund. Anyone got an extra to share?
2. A personal chef would do wonders. My poor toddler must get so bored with peanut butter & jelly! And I'd like a nice steak now and then.
3. A housekeeper. Someone who would smile while scrubbing the bathroom floor sounds like a dream, doesn't it?
4. More closet space. When they built our house, two closets seemed like a fine idea. Guess what? They were crazy.
5. While we're at it, a new house. We seem to have filled this one to the brim. Maybe we should get a new one so we can quickly fill that one as well.
6. A new car. See minivan post for more information.
7. A night nurse. This of course, is for our little man. He's decided being awake from 3-5am is a perfectly good idea.
8. A nice, easy delivery. I don't think explanation is needed here.
9. Diapers. Do you have any idea how many diapers I've changed in my lifetime???
10. A germ-free, violence-free, accident & disease-free world. Or maybe just bubble wrap.
If anyone can help us out with any of the above-mentioned items, we'd greatly appreciate it. All-in-all, we're feeling ready for our Little Miss to arrive. We're just not necessarily looking forward to the arrival part.
this house is a good mess
it's the proof of life
no way would I trade jobs
but it don't pay overtime
I'll get to the laundry
I don't know when
I'm saying a prayer tonight
cause tomorrow it starts again
could it be that everything is sacred?
and all this time
everything I've dreamed of
has been right before my eyes
the children are sleeping
but they're running through my mind
the sun makes them happy
and the music makes them unwind
my cup runneth over
and I worry about the stain
teach me to run to You
like they run to me for every little thing
when I forget to drink from you
I can feel the banks harden
Lord, make me like a stream
to feed the garden
wake up, little sleeper
the Lord, God Almighty
made your Mama keeper
so rise and shine
rise and shine cause
everything is sacred
and all this time
everything I've dreamed of
has been right before my eyes
Words and Music by Randall Goodgame and Andrew Osenga(c) 2007 House of Mirrors Music (ASCAP) admin. by Simpleville Music, Inc. / 2007 Mighty Molecule Music. (ASCAP) admin by Music Services
