Thoughts from the Dark Side

There are things you're not supposed to share...things you're not supposed to think. But no good confession comes without pain and regret.

I didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want another baby - not right away. I thought it would be okay if something happened to "it" during those early weeks. Later, I honestly wondered if we should just give her up for adoption.

I felt totally out-of-control. I couldn't fathom how it would all work out. I think I had post-partum depression pre-partum. It was awful.

I would tell these things to my husband and cry, knowing how horrible it sounded. No good mom is supposed to think things like that.

3+ weeks in, I can't imagine giving her away. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes. And it's been hard. I still wonder how I'm going to do it. The balancing act of having two little ones boggles my mind. And some people have more!! The funny thing is, I know that someday, I will look back at pictures from this time and wish I could have some of these moments back.

So, "bless me Father, for I have sinned...". I didn't want my little girl. But now I'm so glad she's mine.