How Do I Get That Job?

I want to be a voice. Seriously. I want to be someone who reads books on tape, or does commercial announcements, or gives the movie trailer. [Hey - this is my dream. Let me live it large!] How did the guy who announces everything get that job? He'll need a successor someday, right? How 'bout me!


Or, if I can't have that job, I want the one where you get to drive around in a shiny new car with some logo all over the sides. I don't care - a new car so your product gets displayed? Sign me up!


I think the best fit for me overall though, would be one where I could just waltz into a place, observe for a few hours, and then tell them all the things they're doing wrong. I seem to be good at that. And if they want to pay me the big bucks, so be it!

And The Winner Is...

Okay, so, what happens when no one gets the question right??

I spent the 2001-2002 school year in the Czech Republic, teaching English in a public high school. Before leaving the US, I trained for the year in California. There I had a roommate who went on to teach in Hungary. During the school year, I was able to visit her and tour Budapest.

When I arrived in Prague, it was without a work visa, and I needed to wait for all the necessary documents to be finalized. In the meantime, I had thirty days to stay legally in the country. After that, my tourist visa would expire. A friend and I decided to take a train into Germany, get our passports stamped at the border, and head home. We got out of the train, walked around for about half an hour, and then headed back to Prague. Weird thing is, we saw two or three dogs while we were there and they were all German Shepherds. I am NOT making that up! We also needed to hunt down the customs guy on the train. He was not interested in stamping our passports. We found him in the dining car, smoking a cigarette with a lovely lady. He grunted at us but stamped our passports so we could be 'legal' once again.

In February of 2002, I had a special visitor fly in from California to visit me. He proposed on the night of the 25th. We decided to go to Vienna, Austria to celebrate.

And so, even though my grandmother still calls it "Czechoslovakia," the fact of the matter is that I was never there because it doesn't exist, and I never went to Slovakia.

So, I'm sorry to report my first contest had no winner. Thankfully my husband DID know the answer to this question, but neither he nor I have hair long enough to use the pony-o. Stay tuned for another contest coming soon!

When I Became a Mommy

***Just a reminder that my first contest will end on June 6th at 8pm EST. You do not need to be a regular commenter to win!***

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I find birth stories fascinating. We all come into this world in a unique way, and the story of our beginnings link us, through our mothers, to all our ancestors before us. This chain, this crazy web of stories, is a reminder of the vastness of human history, and the small but significant role we each play in the eternal drama, The Story of Us.

My son was not planned, but very much wanted. When I found out I was pregnant, I cried with joy. My husband was not as excited, but believe me, he came along in time. Throughout my pregnancy, I saw an OB-GYN (or, more appropriately, a set of 12 OBs), yet never felt like it was a good "fit." So, around 32 weeks or so, I switched to a team of midwives at a birth center. From the beginning, they were fantastic. Just feeling comfortable with them helped me relax about the upcoming delivery.

I was still teaching at the time. School let out just 3 days before my due date - and yes, I was able to finish out the school year! On my due date I was at the school, packing the last of my boxes. One day "post-date" I wandered around my apartment, wondering what to do with myself. The next day I went to the library and took out a bunch of literary classics, figuring I should at least do something productive. But of course, I never touched them.

The following morning, a Tuesday, I awoke at 3am with a strong contraction. Awake again at 4. By 6am, when my husband should have been getting up to begin his day, I knew this was it and told him to call out. 9am found us walking the neighborhood. Already I needed to stop with each contraction. I remembered what the midwives had said - eat, take a shower, change position, try to sleep - those were the four things they wanted me to do to "make sure" this was it. I did it all. And the contractions kept coming. Shortly after that, I decided I needed my husband's counter-pressure on my back for each and every contraction. Ouch!

In the early afternoon, we called the midwives to let them know what was happening. I had reached the 5-1-1 point (contractions 5 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute, for 1 hour), but felt I was okay to continue at home. I soon reached 4-1-1, but wanted to stay where I was. Around 7pm, we decided to head to the birth center. I remember the bumpy car ride, and the fact that my contractions slowed down during the drive.

When we arrived, the midwife on call checked to see where I was. "You've barely dilated at all. Maybe half a centimeter. You should head home and try to get some sleep tonight." I probably could've hit her, I was so discouraged. But home we went. And thankfully, my contractions slowed to about every 10-12 minutes ALL NIGHT LONG. My sisters were both at the house, sleeping in the living room. Every other contraction sent me through that room on my way to the bathroom and I just remember apologizing every time I woke them up.

I couldn't believe I had to go through another day of back labor and being tired. I felt frustrated because we had done everything "right" and waited until 5-1-1 to no avail! What were we supposed to look for now? Pretty quickly that morning (Wednesday now), I reached the 5-1-1 stage, and then 4-1-1. Poor hubby was massaging my back, putting pressure on my back, practically standing on my back, doing everything he could for me! I remember taking a shower and basically just having one long contraction the whole time.

5pm we decided to head back to the birth center. Our car wouldn't start. I'm not kidding. We tried and tried but it just didn't want to do it. I remember one of us praying. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was aloud, or maybe not. But thankfully, the car started. I remember my husband saying something about seeing my grandmother drive by.... Thankfully the contractions didn't slow this time. But when I was checked, I was still only at 3cm. They usually send you home if you're not at 5, but the midwife must have known we were going crazy. She let us stay.

Shortly thereafter she came in the room to tell me that my grandmother was here and wanted to see me. I looked at her in disbelief. What?? I had told my family that I didn't want them at the birth center. The idea of them being just a room away was too much to handle. Hubby went out and told her I was fine and that we'd call when the baby came. She was hurt, but left. What we didn't realize until later was how upset our families were. For obvious reasons, we didn't communicate with them as much as they'd have liked. Oops.

I got into the birthing tub within the hour and spent the better part of the next 7 HOURS lying in the water, swaying back and forth, falling asleep between contractions. I'd get out to go to the bathroom and feel my weight all over again. I couldn't believe how heavy I was! But the water was fantastic. It helped the back pain so much, and allowed my poor husband to take a much-needed break. I'm pretty sure he was falling asleep between contractions too.

During transition time, the point where the movies have Mom yelling "I hate you!" and "This is all your fault!" at Dad, I turned to my husband and said "this is really hard." [And let me pause here to tell you that I never hated him in all of it. He was my coach and cheerleader and I couldn't have done it without him. He truly was amazing.]

Around midnight I swear the midwife told me to start pushing. My husband swears she never did, I just started pushing. I remember thinking back on our birth classes and the instructions on pushing - breathe once, twice, then push as long as you can, and breathe through the rest of the contraction. It didn't seem to be working for me. I remember saying at one point "I don't know if I'm doing this right." In hindsight, I'd say that I wasn't waiting for the contraction to build to its peak. I was pushing a bit early in the contraction and then trying to breathe through the hardest part.

At 2am (Thursday morning), the midwife said she wanted me to head across the street to the hospital. I had been pushing for 2 hours, but the baby hadn't moved at all. How depressing. First she tried to give me an IV to see if fluids would help - but she blew out two of my veins before deciding just to head over to the hospital. So there I was - pushing-stage labor, trying to climb onto a stretcher so they could wheel me across the street in the middle of the night. My eyes were closed the whole time. I know only that they banged me into the wall a few times.

Once in the hospital I was hooked up to an IV and a bunch of monitors I had been hoping to avoid. It was 2:30. Around 3:45, the midwife said we needed to start thinking about an epidural. She says that I'd been using all these muscles and they were bound to fatigue at some point. She also said that this might wind up a c-section, as the baby still hadn't moved.

And that was it. The jump-start my body needed. I felt the difference right away. My son was finally coming! At 4:11am (49 hours after that very first contraction), my sweet little boy was born into this world. His head was turned, revealing to us the reason for the back labor and the 4 hours of pushing. But he was great. He didn't cry right away, just looked around peacefully. When they handed him to me, I wanted to nurse right away, but he wasn't acting interested. I didn't know enough to push the nurse to help me. We took a few pictures, the nurse and midwife left us alone, and my husband promptly fell asleep. I lay there, holding my son in my arms and literally seeing double. I was exhausted and knew only that nothing would ever be the same again.

In case you're wondering, I'll save my second birth story for later in the month!

No, I'm NOT Sorry!

One thing that drives me crazy is feeling like I need to apologize for the choices I've made as a mom. Well guess what? It's time for me to own up to what I've decided, and say - for better or worse - it works for me!

I'm NOT sorry I had two natural childbirths.

I'm NOT sorry I decided to breastfeed my children.

I'm NOT sorry I nursed my son for over a year and plan to do the same for my daughter.

I'm NOT sorry my son is not circumcised.

I'm NOT sorry my kids share a bedroom.

I'm NOT sorry I nurse my babies in bed.

I'm NOT sorry I plan on being done having babies.

I'm NOT sorry my kids eat lots of organics.

I'm NOT sorry they will be fully vaccinated.

I'm NOT sorry I like carrying them around in slings.

I'm NOT sorry they won't go to preschool.

I'm NOT sorry they both can't handle cow's milk.

I'm NOT sorry we refuse to put our kids in the church nursery on Sunday morning.

I'm NOT sorry we're so picky about who watches them.

I'm NOT sorry we sign with our kids.

I'm NOT sorry they're not in eight million programs.

I'm NOT sorry I don't like generic diapers.

I'm NOT sorry I rock my babies to sleep. Okay, yes, sometimes I am sorry about that one!

Mommy Time

I've needed a creative outlet for a long time. And thanks to my sister's new business, I've found just that! Here's what we were up to last weekend:

Our very first craft fair!

We made hair bows, clips, korker bows, bow holders, and more! It was totally crazy. Cuz I've got nothing better to do with my time....

And so, with that behind us, it's time for a little fun. Here it is - my very first contest! Answer the following question correctly and you'll be entered into a drawing for this prize:

a handmade "pony-o" (button is 1 1/2 inches),

suitable for Mommy's hair, or your little one's thick hair

Of course, if your hair is short, your daughter/mom/sister-in-law's cousin's hair is too thin, you don't like the color, or you don't want a pony-o, just don't play! Otherwise, answer this question for your chance to win. Contest ends June 6th at 8pm!

Guilty Mom has never been to

a. Austria

b. Germany

c. Slovakia

d. Hungary

What Should You Do With A Sleeping Baby?

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating...what her brother dropped on the floor. In our case, it was a Honey Nut Cheerio. When I realized something was rolling around in that little mouth I scooped her up and did a quick finger-sweep. Lovely. So now I'm thinking 'honey. Nut. Great.' A quick call to the pediatrician revealed that she should be fine, but that we should keep a close eye on her, just in case.

When she took an extra-long nap this morning I started panicking. Did her throat close up while she was asleep? Did she have some sort of crazy reaction and now she's...well, you know. My mind goes to these weird places. I start hashing out in my brain what I would do if I went in and found something wrong. Call 911? Start CPR? Scream? Stay calm so as not to up set the Little Man? Eventually I go in and scrutinize her abdomen, looking for that easy up-and-down movement. I don't see it. I put my hand close to her nose - and accidentally swipe her lip. Oops. Baby's awake. And clearly fine. I can tell by all the crying.

So, yeah. So far all is well. It's just too bad Mommy is so morbid!

Mommy's Weight Loss

It's amazing what a little time (and weight) can do. I weighed this much some number of years ago, and I couldn't stand my body. I scrutinized it and found every little flaw. I agonized over a pound gained and would skip a meal or two to make up for it.

But now, on the other side of childbirth (x2), with all those flaws and a bunch more (including stretch marks and appendix scars!), I am so much more content with the shape I see in the mirror. Some days I even feel really good about it! So if you see me strutting my stuff, be a good sport and send a whistle my way. It'll make my day - but I still won't be wearing a bikini anytime soon! Sorry to burst that bubble honey!

I've Made a Decision!

Yeah, I'm probably crazy to think that I'll actually be able to accomplish this with two little ones underfoot (or, in my lap, like at present) - but I figured I'd give it a shot. Bear with me as I attempt the impossible - forming actual cohesive thoughts EVERY DAY for a month!

[By the way, cheers to Dawn who has successfully completed this challenge with her own two running around!]