I Have a Dream...of Dreaming

My biggest wish right now is to sleep between the hours of 5 and 7am. That's all. I will put aside my hopes for a better computer, my dream of getting a newer car, and even my earnest desire to move to a new house. All I really want ... is to sleep. Really.

Exercises in Futility

Since my recent promotion in Motherhood, I've come to realize that there are a number of things that I should not even attempt until such a time as either 1.) my children are fully able to walk, talk, and eat on their own, or 2.) I stop caring that no one likes to hear a screaming baby. Either way, it'll be awhile.

Here are some examples of exercises in futility these days.

1. Playing with my toddler: With our little one needing so much time and attention these days, it's hard to carve out special time for baby #1.

2. Cleaning the house: Yesterday I told my little guy that I couldn't play with him (see above) because I needed to do some cleaning. He pitched a fit that lasted for a good two hours.

3. Voting: I decided on Tuesday that voting would be a great way for the three of us to get out of the house. With much wrestling, we were able to make it out the door; however, when we arrived, my little man decided he didn't want to stand in line. Instead he wanted me to hold him. So there I was, with toddler in one arm, car seat in the other, diaper bag hoisted over my shoulder, in line behind the one and only smoker. When I finally shuffled my way up to registration, some nice little old lady offered to hold onto the car seat for me. Needless to say, my voting was done with no extra time to think.

4. Buying groceries: Since we were out anyway and had managed to survive voting, I decided to head to the grocery store. With Munchkin A in the part of one of those carts with a car on the front, and Munchkin B in her car seat in the cart-part, there was no room for food!

5. Going to the mall: My first outing with our new addition was to one store in the mall. This resulted in me breaking down in tears upon arriving home. The saleslady had so many issues ringing up my purchases that she wound up on the phone with managers of two other stores, and I wound up waiting for her for 45 minutes - with 9 day-old crying baby in my arms for the last 10 minutes of the nightmare. Now that I want to get us all out of the house, the mall seems like the best option. Except of course that I have no idea to get around with the two of them in tow.

6. Going to Target: Our first trip to Target was to get diapers and wipes. That's it. So when baby woke up and broke down when we reached the aisle with them, I knew it wasn't a big deal. We were all of 4 minutes from home. One thing I didn't account for - the woman in line in front of me paying with rolls of coins. Baby screamed while this saleslady opened each roll and counted all the change.

7. Traveling: We visited family last weekend and got all of...wait...oh yeah - no sleep. Little miss also decided to cry for a good 2 hours (or more, I don't really remember) before drifting off. She was the only one. That was the beginning of our little man's 4 day fever.

8. Sleeping more than 4 hours at a stretch: And really, 4 hours is pushing it. But with the little one needing to nurse and the older one cutting molars - well, let's just say that hubby and I should learn not to talk to each other in the middle of the night!

9. Eating: Truth be told, I do get to eat. Just not well. And it's often cold. But thankfully hubby has been cooking for us.

10. Blogging: Seems like a blatant lie, I know. But just imagine when I began making this list!

6 Years...And Counting

Our story is like no other...and every other. We met in college - dated for a little while, then decided to "just be friends." I thought it would go the way most other "friendships" go - slowly fading away into oblivion. But he wouldn't have it. He actually wanted to be friends! I thought it was strange - and it was definitely difficult - but through those college years, that's what we did. Okay, granted, there were a few kisses here and there, but come on!

We talked about getting married in 2000 - how it got to that point, I'm not really sure. Something about this guy who was always there - always a friend, no matter what. But our lives were headed in different directions. Literally. He went to the West Coast, I went to Europe. And it was in those different places that we realized we couldn't live without each other.

We were engaged in Prague and celebrated in Vienna - and I actually know other couples who have cool stories like that! Wedding planning took place across thousands of miles. And with virtually no money to our names. Thank God for loving parents!

Our 2002 wedding was beautiful - at least, that's what everyone told us at the time. We recently watched our video with our Little Man so he'd have an idea of what to do as a Ring Bearer - and I couldn't believe how young we were! Young and unabashedly in love.

We set up house in the biggest apartment our friends had ever seen. With low rent to boot! Then came unpacking and filling the empty rooms. So began the journey of turning two lives into one.

We found jobs and lots of friends. We got two cats when the apartment became home to a family of mice. At church we taught Sunday School and ran a Youth Group. Everything seemed stable and happy and going the way we'd planned.

Then we decided we wanted to live radically. We actually said those words out loud. So of course, they were meant to be challenged. Friends moved away. We took in a teenage foster daughter. We got pregnant. Our landlord decided to sell our house.

So away we went. Leaving family, friends, jobs, support. Baby was 4 months old. I had never seen the house we moved into. But we clung to each other and figured it would all work out.

Two years later, we have baby #2 and a whole new life. I can't believe we're here. But hubby asked the other day "Why does it matter where we are? I just want to be with you." Yeah. He actually said those words. Wicked cheesy. And totally sweet.

See, because no matter what else happens - another move, new job, baby #3 (dear God, no!) - I know that I will have the most amazing man by my side.

So here's to you, my love. Happy Anniversary #6. And even though statistically, American marriages last 7 years - I know this is far from our last happy year together. Because you wouldn't let it happen any other way.

Updates on our Little Man

Updates on our Little Miss

Thoughts from the Dark Side

There are things you're not supposed to share...things you're not supposed to think. But no good confession comes without pain and regret.

I didn't want to be pregnant. I didn't want another baby - not right away. I thought it would be okay if something happened to "it" during those early weeks. Later, I honestly wondered if we should just give her up for adoption.

I felt totally out-of-control. I couldn't fathom how it would all work out. I think I had post-partum depression pre-partum. It was awful.

I would tell these things to my husband and cry, knowing how horrible it sounded. No good mom is supposed to think things like that.

3+ weeks in, I can't imagine giving her away. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes. And it's been hard. I still wonder how I'm going to do it. The balancing act of having two little ones boggles my mind. And some people have more!! The funny thing is, I know that someday, I will look back at pictures from this time and wish I could have some of these moments back.

So, "bless me Father, for I have sinned...". I didn't want my little girl. But now I'm so glad she's mine.

How Hard Could It Be?

Our little one has been having a difficult time with nursing. And of course, I'm feeling like a failure all over again. My little guy didn't quite figure out how to latch on until he was almost a week old. This sweet thing latched on right after birth and did wonderfully...in the hospital. Once we got home, she slowed way down, her weight plateaued, and she seemed to have trouble with her latch. I was devastated. After all, this is baby #2 - I should know a few things this time around!

Yesterday we went to a lactation consultant. I left feeling terribly overwhelmed. Loaded with information about food sensitivities, a therapy I couldn't pronounce, and dietary changes, I drove home wondering if I could truly give up dairy. The best part of the visit was learning that our little girl was tongue-tied. Easily-remedied, I was assured.

Today we went to the pediatrician. I left feeling sick to my stomach and wondering if I had just doomed my little girl to a life of speech issues or dental concerns. I was the one holding her tiny head while the doctor snipped the tongue-tie. I almost passed out. Blood I can handle. My not-quite-3-week-old screaming bloody murder, I could not.

So now I'm just shaky. In the long run, I think we made the right choice - but I hate having to be the one to make the choice.

While the poor thing slept, I got Big Brother ready for his nap. As I changed his diaper I realized that it has been a very long time since I worried about every meal he ate (or didn't), every one of his diaper's contents, every funny sound and strange reaction he made. I guess somehow, we all make it through. Moms and kids alike. I guess I just figured it would be easier the second time around. Silly me.

I'm in Love...with a Little Pink Bundle

She'll be two weeks old tomorrow and life around here has definitely changed pace. It's amazing how quickly such a tiny person can settle themselves into your heart and totally change your life. I didn't want to be pregnant - I didn't want a girl. But now she's here and we're absolutely in love.

Unfortunately, there are times when I feel that it's a distracted love. With two little ones underfoot (or, in arms), I'm already feeling spread thin. And Daddy hasn't even gone back to work yet! I miss Munchkin A and wonder if I'll ever be a good Mommy to him again. Munchkin B has us worried about thrush and reflux and sleeping too much (be careful what you wish for!). These early days are long and tiring, and I know it'll get easier with time...but it's hard not to miss what once was. The days I could plan to a T what was going to happen and where we'd go. The days I could put on a shirt and know it would stay relatively clean til I took it off at night. The days I could wear a normal bra! Sometimes life with baby feels like we're living with a ticking time bomb. A cute time bomb, but a bomb nonetheless.

And I'm amazed at how often my pronouns are wrong. I know she's a girl - but in my thoughts, it's he and his and him. Very strange. Classic example - Mommy: Are you okay little one? Sleepy Daddy: Yeah. Mommy: Not you - him!

We obviously have some adjustments to make.

And then there's the cruelest trick of nature. [Be forewarned conservative readers - brazen comments to follow!] I now have, if not my husband's fantasy breasts, at least mine! The ones I could only dream about when I was 13. Heck - when I was 25! And yet - here's the thing, they hurt! Full and sore and cracked (that's the thrush) - I can walk around shirtless, but my poor husband is powerless to react. Not to worry - nursing only lasts a year!

[Back to our regularly scheduled broadcast] So our lives have changed forever, and most of the time, we're extremely thankful. Exhausted, but thankful. She's here, she's healthy, and she's asleep. What more could we ask for?